When you lose someone you lose the sunshine in the parts of your life they influenced the most.
Now when you do something they used to be a part of, or if they were your biggest fan, or if they were influential in your growth in that one thing...its not the same.
I lost my mom. Her name was Diane. She was the sunshine in my voice, in my music, when I would bake or cook something yummy, when I went into a frenzy of ultra organization, when I decorate for a party or host guests, when I decorate for holidays, reading a bedtime story to my little girls...she was the spark that inspired me in those areas. It was her voice, her smile, her support that was part of the fuel that encouraged me to keep going.
But this is something you realize only when that sunshine is lost. Not when it is there.
It does come back though. But it's different.
It takes a while for that sunshine to come back and as it does, it doesn’t shine quite the same. Perhaps a different angle - so you see things differently…
You appreciate more. You savor more. You analyze and calculate your choices more. For some activities, I'm not sure the sunshine is back yet after almost 3 years. Its not that I did those activities for her. Its just that now that she is gone, anytime I do them brings a little stinging reminder that she's not here anymore. So that encouraging fuel is but a memory or a wish of what I think she might say or think about it.
Time does heal that sting, or at least helps dull it after a while.
Bask in that sunshine while you still have it so bright. Enjoy it. Soak it in. For you never know when it might be lost and you are set on the hard journey of discovering it again, differently.
This is the journey of grief.
Miss you more than words, Mom.
